Let’s face it, writing manipulative characters is so much fun. Unfortunately, people do this in real life too. This post will help you build your deceitful character (and also help you identify when you are being manipulated in real life).

Manipulation is a form of aggression. We all understand it when it’s overt, but covert manipulation is harder to detect. And, when the person doing the manipulation isn’t actually aware that they are manipulating, it’s even harder. Here’s some help writing manipulative characters.

What is Covert Aggression?

There is a wonderful list of the most popular tactics of a good manipulator in the book In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr. George Simon PH.D. This book is a treasure trove for writers.

It is important to remember that when people display these behaviors, they are at that very moment fighting. They are fighting against the values or standards of conduct they know others want them to adopt or internalize. They are also fighting to overcome resistance in others and to have their way. Covert-aggressive individuals are especially adept at using these tactics to conceal their aggressive intentions while simultaneously throwing their opponents on the defensive.

When people are on the defensive, their thoughts tend to become more confused, they tend to engage in more self-doubt, and they feel the urge to retreat. Using these tactics increases the chances manipulators will get their way and gain advantage over their victims. Sometimes, a tactic is used in isolation. More often, however, a skilled manipulator will throw so many of them at you at once that you might not really realize how badly you’ve been manipulated until it’s too late. —In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr. George Simon PH.D.

Check out my series on specific types of manipulators: Classic Narcissists | Vulnerable Narcissist | Borderline Personality | Histrionic Personality | Antisocial Personality

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Goals of a Manipulator

1. To avoid being confronted
2. To put you on the defensive
3. To make you doubt yourself and your perceptions
4. To hide their aggressive intent
5. To avoid responsibility
6. To not have to change (List from Psychology Today)

Manipulative Behavior

A master manipulator will use many tactics at once—and remain calm while doing it. I have a fairly comprehensive list with definitions later in this post.

For example, a manipulator may play the victim > quickly switch to vilifying the actual victim > gaslight a little > then close with some quality devaluing.

If you are dealing with a manipulator in real life, I would suggest using my Covert Aggression Bingo card below. It will help you process and anticipate these tactics so they don’t throw you off when they happen. If you are writing manipulation, play bingo and challenge yourself to use the tactics in creative ways.

Important things to consider while writing:

• Manipulative behaviors involve those behaviors designed to control a situation or someone’s reactions.
• To manage manipulative behaviors, it is important to name the behavior and to state your boundary around it.
• All manipulative behaviors occur for a reason, and understanding the function of a behavior can be beneficial in framing your response. (Psychology Today)

Know WHY Your Character Manipulates

People who manipulate others may have difficulty identifying and expressing their wants and needs appropriately and healthily.

Manipulative behavior can also serve other purposes. For instance, control and manipulation can help the aggressor by:

• Causing doubt and confusion 
• Helping them avoid conflict
• Concealing their true intentions
• Blame-shifting (avoiding responsibility for their behavior)
• Not having to change their behavior 

Use these tactics when building arguments and deception into your character.

How the Recipient Feels

The victim of the manipulator should struggle with things like:

• Feeling inadequate
• Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells
• Feeling like you need to take the blame
• Fear at the idea of upsetting or confronting the person
• Doubting yourself and your judgments
• Doubting the other person and their intentions
• Doubting how things will play out
• Uncertainty over whether or not you can trust the other person or believe what they say
• Uncertainty over the person’s motives or if you’re being used
• You’re engaging in acts that go against your gut instinct

Why did your character get involved with this person? Know the Psychology.

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More below!

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Gaslighting

The National Domestic Violence Hotline shares some examples of gaslighting. Have your character do some of the following:

• Denial: “That’s not what happened! I’ve never done that.”
• Diverting: “You’re just imagining things. What’s going on inside your head?”
• Trivializing: “Why are you blowing this out of proportion? You’re getting angry for no reason.”
• Countering: “You told me ___, you don’t remember anything!”
• Stereotyping: “Oh, so you’re not going to tell me ___? That’s just like a man.”
• Withholding: “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this again. I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

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Manipulation Bingo

Use this bingo chart to pick some bad habits for your characters. If you experiencing this in real life, play bingo in your head. It may help you keep calm and not react because you have processed the manipulations ahead of time.

Free PDFs of the bingo chart, both filled out and blank in my Writer’s Tool Kit. Sign up for my newsletter for access to tools and a free book.

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Emotionally Invalidating Phrases

Use these phrases in your dialogue to make your characters feel bad and invalidate their feelings. Poor things…

• It could be worse
• You’re too sensitive
• You’re overreacting
• You shouldn’t feel that way
• I know exactly how you feel
• Just let it go
• You take everything so personally
• You make a big deal out of everything
• I don’t see the problem
• You shouldn’t be so [any feeling the person has expressed]
• How do you think that makes me feel?
• I don’t want to have this conversation
• Stop making things up
• That didn’t happen (List from Psych Central)

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Check out my series on these manipulators: Classic Narcissists | Vulnerable Narcissist | Borderline Personality | Histrionic Personality | Antisocial Personality

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Types of Manipulation

Aggressive humor	Hostile comments and sarcastic jokes hidden as “teasing” to make the manipulator feel superior.
Anger (Brandishing Anger)	Using outbursts of anger to shock, overwhelm, and control.
Deflection	A defense mechanism that redirects a conversation away from a challenging topic or issue to something less emotionally charged. I.e. changing the subject, asking a question, making a joke, or even becoming defensive or aggressive.
Denial	A defense mechanism in which an individual refuses to recognize or acknowledge objective facts or experiences.
Diversion & Evasion	Keep the spotlight off their behavior to avoid both responsibility and exposure. This artful dance can help them stay one step ahead of you. i.e. Distort one detail and make it the problem.
Flattery	Used disingenuously as a tool to gain emotional leverage. Whereas a compliment is given to sincerely point out something positive with no expectation of gain.
Foot-in-the-Door Technique	Getting someone to agree to a small request before presenting a larger one. This method is based on the idea that once a person has agreed to something small, they are more likely to agree to something larger later.
Gaslighting	The gaslighter works to make the other person believe that their thoughts, perceptions, or beliefs are mistaken or invalid. See examples above.
Covert Intimidation (Threats to keep others anxious)	Intimidation doesn’t always involve direct threats. It can be achieved with a look or tone and statements like: “I always get my way;” “No one’s irreplaceable;” “I have friends in high places;” “You’re not so young anymore;” or “Have you considered the repercussions of that decision?”
Devalue	Breaking down someone’s self-esteem so a manipulator can better control their behavior.
Feigning Confusion, Ignorance, or Innocence	Forms of deflection and denial that help aggressors skirt responsibility for their actions.
Future Faking	Get another person’s hopes up to manipulate them to stay connected or in a relationship.
Guilt-Tripping	Placing a burden of emotions or actions on another. I.e. exaggerating their own suffering or portraying themselves as a victim to elicit feelings of guilt to gain compliance.
Invalidation	When a person’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviors are rejected, judged, or ignored. See invalidating phrases above
Isolation	A means to undermine someone’s support systems, thus heightening their dependency and make them more controllable. I.e. severing connections with friends, family, or any other sources of support, and ability to seek assistance.
Lying (#1 most used tactic)	When someone offers a response or explanation that’s not true (even when the truth would suffice)
Lies of Omission	Making true statements with so many gaps that it is misleading and untrue.
Love Bombing	A strategy used to overwhelm their intended with an outpouring of affection and attention. I.e. excessive flattery, lavish gifts, and constant admiration, all aimed at creating a deep emotional reliance that makes it challenging for the receiver to break free from their influence.
Minimization	Downplay the impact of what they’ve done in order to skirt the consequences of their actions.
Moving the Goalposts	Changing their expectations at the last minute to keep you constantly running toward their “goalposts.”
Playing the Servant (Guise of nobility)	Hiding intentions with good works so if they are called on their actions, they can feign innocence.
Playing the Victim	They cunningly present themselves as powerless, unjustly treated, or unfairly maligned to coerce others into providing support or fulfilling their own selfish desires.
Projecting	Attributing their own shortcomings to others, making their victims accountable for their actions or emotions and sidestep accountability and consequences of their behavior.
Rationalization	A defense mechanism in which people justify difficult or unacceptable feelings with seemingly logical reasons and explanations
Resource Dangling	Dangling resources like money, access to relationships, a promotion, etc.
Seduction	Manipulative seduction involves using charm, flattery, and romantic or sexual advances to manipulate others. By exploiting their targets’ emotional and physical desires, manipulators gain control and influence over them.
Selective Attention (or Inattention)	Seeing only what they want to see and hearing only what they want to hear. I.e. “Tuning-out” someone who’s trying to make a point, teach a lesson, or call attention to a problem.
Shaming	Intentionally making someone believe that they are a bad person, wrong, worthless, or that they have no value.
Silent Treatment	Ignoring someone and refusing to address issues or repair a connection as a form of punishment or to manipulate the other person into engaging first.
Vilifying the Victim	Making the victim feel like the bad guy. This often happens after the aggressor plays the victim. It’s a one-two punch.
Withholding	One partner knowingly and willfully disconnects, shuts down, and essentially exiles the other partner. I.e. punishing the other for something they have done. Their goal is to make that other person feel isolated and disempowered.

Other Tactics to Use

Have your characters use the “four horseman” when there’s conflict. If you experience these in real life, here are the antidotes to help.

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This post is not intended to give any medical advice. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, please reach out for professional help. More information on Psychology Today here.

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References & Resources

• 25 Psychological Manipulation Techniques (Psychology Org)
• All About Stonewalling and Gaslighting (Psych Central)
• The Neuroscience Behind Bad Decisions
• Understanding and Managing Psychological Manipulation (Psychology Today)
• 18 Manipulation Techniques and How to Avoid Being Exploited (Well + Good)
• Understanding Deflection in Psychology and Effective Ways to Respond
• 9 Things You Need to Know About Shame (Psychology Today)
• 6 Types of People Who Love Playing the Victim & How to Deal with Them (Learning Mind)

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