As I said in my post on classic narcissists, messy characters make for great stories. So, here’s the next in my character profile series—writing vulnerable narcissists. Vulnerable narcissists are hard to spot and fun to write.

A lesser-known type of narcissism is vulnerable narcissism (also referred to as closet, introverted, or covert narcissism). Vulnerable narcissists are self-absorbed, entitled, exploitative, unempathetic, manipulative, and covertly aggressive, but they fear criticism so much that they shy away from attention.

Individuals of both types of narcissism often lack autonomy, experience imposter syndrome, have a weak sense of self, are self-alienated, and have an inability to master their environment. Vulnerable narcissists are insecure and unhappy with their lives. (Psychology Today)

Traits of a Vulnerable Narcissist

When building your character, have them exhibit some of these traits. A vulnerable narcissist will show some of them, but probably not all—it is a spectrum after all.

They should appear:

• Shy
• Sweet
• Sensitive
• Introverted

They are masters of subtle and make people with empathy want to rescue or be responsible for them.

>>>. Let me be clear—narcissists appear normal. <<<

They can be charming and can make you feel like the world falls away when you’re with them. The traits below should roll out slowly. It is that slow accumulation that will be revealing.

It is a SHOCK when you figure out that the person you are dating, your neighbor, or your best friend is really a narcissist. You want to deny it. You want to believe that they have empathy for you. The key is that the narcissism is COVERT.

Other traits:

• Shies away from attention
• Exhibits a blend of fear and aggression
• Subtly manipulative (see manipulation tactics below)
• Unable to master environment (i.e. hold down jobs)
• Unhappy with their life and/or emotionally negative
• Nothing is their “fault” (blame and resent others)
• Lack empathy (but often say empathetic things, watch their actions)
• Difficulty taking (or suspicious of) compliments
• Envious and angry about what they don’t have
• Hostile attitude towards personal growth
• Calls partner names in a fight (devalues)
• Highly defensive
• Dismissive or indecisive
• Lacks positive relationships
• Has few friends (self-alienates)
• Threat-oriented
• Rushes to (false) intimacy
• Severely distrustful with thick protective walls
• Doesn’t reveal personality unless pressed
• Plays the victim
• Passive-aggressive
• Prone to cheating
• Silent treatment
• Uses guilt or shame to control or punish
• Believes the world owes them something (entitled)
• It is acceptable to lie and cheat for what they want (exploitive)
• Hurts people close to them (often without realizing it)
• Idealizes partner to draw close
• Devalues partner (when threatened or criticized)
• Hypersensitive—especially to criticism (complete shut down or nuclear)
• Uses guilt and distress to draw in others and expects care taking
• Their relationships progress in a haphazard way
• Admits to serious shortcomings, commitment issues, infidelity, criminality, addiction, or abuse

Also see: 52 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist (Psychology Today)

Their negative emotionality depicts a bitter, neurotic, averse attitude towards personal growth. They require reinforcement for their self-image and are highly defensive when a perceived criticism triggers their negative opinion of themselves.

Unlike extroverted narcissists, they lack positive relationships. Instead of boldly dominating people, they’re threat-oriented and distrustful. They withdraw from others with hostile blame and resentment, internalizing their narcissism. Most narcissists don’t even realize they’ve injured those closest to them, because they lack empathy. They’re more concerned with averting perceived threats and getting their needs met. (Psychology Today)

The Receiving Partner

Rather than your character having their needs met, they are undermined, drained—and often in a perpetual state of rescue. (Psychology Today)

Who is the narcissists favorite? The codependent. I realize this is a popular term, but see why codependents are a tasty little snack for the vulnerable narcissist in need of rescue.

Traits of a codependent (a narcissist’s fave)

Here are the Six Hallmarks of a Codependent (Psychology Today).

How should the receiver act? They should…

• Experience intense highs and lows in their emotions due to the relationship
• Feel obligated to spend time with the narcissist
• Spend less time with friends and family
• Become overly dependent on the narcissist ( i.e. emotionally, financially, etc)
• Constantly try to meet the narcissist’s needs and expectations
• Change their habits, interests, or values to align more with the narcissist
  (Simply Psychology)

Additionally…

• Trouble sleeping
• Inability to make decisions
• Almost impossible to leave the narcissist
• Feel generally unhappy, confused, and not like themself

Victim of Hoovering?

“Hoovering,” is a manipulative tactic sucks people back into destructive relationships. It can be dangerous and catastrophic if things get out of hand. Here are the signs:

• Apologizing for past wrongs and promising to change
• Love bombing
• Excuses to make contact
• Using family and friends
• Gaslighting
• Sudden “crisis” (medical, mental health, death of someone, threats of harm, etc.)
• Threatening or violent behavior (smear campaign, threaten family, vandalization, physical injuries to friends or family, etc)

Read: What Is Hoovering? 7 Signs and How To Handle It (Cleveland Clinic)

Things Narcissists Say

Narcissists like to go fast and pour on the woo in the beginning. To help you with some dialogue, here are things real narcissists say:

Within the first month: (Anyone can say these things, the point is that it’s too soon)

• “You are different than anyone I’ve seen in the past.”
• “I’ve been hurt before and have trouble trusting, but I feel like I can trust you.”
• “I love the way we look together.” [Love bomb]
• “We have such chemistry. I’ve never been drawn to someone like this.”
• “I can’t believe I found you. I wasn’t even looking for someone; this feels like fate.”
• “You are my soul mate. We are meant to be together. You are the one.”
• “I’m always misunderstood, but you understand me.”
• “I love you more than anything.” [Especially after a fight]

They will insult their exes:

• “My ex was abusive. I still struggle (or have nightmares or PTSD) today.”
• “My ex never pleased me in bed.” or “The sex got boring.”
• “My ex was so ungrateful. I did so much for them, but I never got anything back.”
• “I’ve had to build up walls because of my ex.”
• “My exes are all crazy (or abusive).” [This makes the new partner feel special]

They devalue and undermine their partners:

• “You’re overreacting; I didn’t mean it that way.” [Devaluing-definition below]
• “You’re too sensitive.” [Devaluing / Your feelings don’t matter]
• “You have trust issues.” [They don’t want to validate your feelings]
• “I was just joking.” [Avoids responsibility]
• “I guess I have to do everything myself.” [Devaluing]
• “If you really loved me, you would…” [Manipulation]
• “Nobody else sees it that way.” [Gaslighting]
• “You’re imagining things.” [Gaslighting]
• “You’re a bad person.” [Devaluing]
• “Why can’t you just let it go.” [Invalidation / Avoidance]
• “That never happened.” [Gaslighting!!]
• “You always make everything about yourself.” [Deflection, Victimize the victim]
• “I wasn’t rude, I was just being honest.” [Lacks empathy]
• “It’s not my responsibility to cater to your emotions.”
• “I don’t need to prove myself to anyone; I know my worth.”
• “It’s not my fault, you made me do it.” [Avoids responsibility]
• “I’m only pointing out your flaws because I want you to be the best version of yourself, and you need my guidance.”

By sowing seeds of doubt and confusion, covert narcissists can gain power and control over their partner, leaving them feeling helpless and reliant on the narcissist for validation.

Note: Devaluation is a defense mechanism that characterizes themselves, an object, or another person as worthless or having exaggerated negative qualities. Narcissists use it to gain or keep control over another person.

Gaslighting is a must

Your character should also experience some gaslighting.

When writing vulnerable narcissists, they will say things like: “It was just a joke,” “You are being sensitive,” “That’s a crazy thought,” “You are lying about that,” “You are overreacting,” “Stop playing games” (when it isn’t a game), etc. Check out more Things Narcissists Say and How to Respond (Simply Psychology).

Here’s a fabulous clip to help you understand gaslighting:

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A post shared by Matthias James Barker, LMHC (@matthiasjbarker)

But I Can Save Them!

Here’s more real life psychology to help you build your toxic relationship:

Don’t fall for the vulnerable narcissist’s charade. Second chances are the favorite appeal of vulnerable narcissists. If they feel they are going to lose you (and the attention they get from you), they will do what they need to ensure you stick around and fall right back into the same habits. They will put on a show … and the cycle will restart. (Choosing Therapy)

In real life, don’t spend your efforts trying to please or change a narcissist. Your character though, feel free to torture (mu ah ha ha).

On average, it takes approximately seven times to leave a narcissist for good. It is a process…and a difficult one. Use this in your story.

They will use guilt, shame, emergencies, and everything in their arsenal to draw your character back into the relationship and wear them down.

Unfortunately, a narcissistic partner will likely make the breakup a long, emotionally-charged experience. Hold your boundaries.

This means cutting off all communication with the narcissist, including blocking social media accounts, emails, phone numbers, and blocking their family and friends. Make it as difficult as possible.

The narcissist will have difficulty respecting your boundaries. Build a support system and surround yourself with trustworthy people. Consulting a therapist to help get over the damage left by the narcissist is a good idea. (Choosing Therapy, Psychology Today, and Simply Psychology-links below in resources)

Why does your character attract a narcissist?

Here’s some real psychology again:

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A post shared by Lewis Huckstep (@lewishuckstep)

Manipulation Tactics

There is a wonderful list of the most popular tactics of a good manipulator in the book In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr. George Simon PH.D. This book is a treasure trove for writers.

It is important to remember that when people display these behaviors, they are at that very moment fighting. They are fighting against the values or standards of conduct they know others want them to adopt or internalize. They are also fighting to overcome resistance in others and to have their way. Covert-aggressive individuals are especially adept at using these tactics to conceal their aggressive intentions while simultaneously throwing their opponents on the defensive.

When people are on the defensive, their thoughts tend to become more confused, they tend to engage in more self-doubt, and they feel the urge to retreat. Using these tactics increases the chances manipulators will get their way and gain advantage over their victims. Sometimes, a tactic is used in isolation. More often, however, a skilled manipulator will throw so many of them at you at once that you might not really realize how badly you’ve been manipulated until it’s too late. —In Sheep’s Clothing by Dr. George Simon PH.D.

• Minimization
• Lying (even when the truth would suffice)
• Lies of omission (also being deliberately vague)
• Denial
• Deflection
• Gaslighting (watch video below)
• Selective attention
• Selective inattention
• Rationalization
• Diversion (i.e. Distort one detail and make it the problem )
• Evasion
• Covert intimidation (threats to keep others anxious)
• Guilt-tripping
• Shaming
• Playing the victim
• Vilifying the victim
• Playing the servant (guise of nobility)
• Seduction
• Projecting the blame
• Feigning innocence, ignorance, and/or confusion
• Brandishing anger

Use these tactics when building arguments and deception into your character.

For a deeper dive on manipulation see my other post: Manipulative Characters

Am I a Narcissist?

Are you reading this and getting paranoid that you are a narcissist? Well, EVERYONE on the planet does narcissistic things. We are all flawed and need to continually work at appreciation, gratitude, and growth.

Here’s a clip: The Narcissist Test

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A post shared by Jimmy Knowles (@jimmy_on_relationships)

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Cluster B Personality Disorders

Here’s a chart with the other personality disorders in this cluster.

More Resources

• Vulnerable Narcissist: How to Spot Them and How to Cope
• 5 Signs of a Covert Vulnerable Narcissist
• How to Confront Narcissists’ Lethal Weapon: Projection from Psychology Today
• 8 Ways Narcissists Seek to Manipulate and Dehumanize You (Psychology Today)
• 9 signs of a vulnerable narcissist — a type of self-absorbed person that is also shy and sensitive (Business Insider)
• Dating? Recognize the Very Early Signs of Narcissism
• 25 Things Narcissists Say & What They Really Mean

This post is not intended to give any medical advice. If you think you are in a abusive relationship, please reach out for professional help. More information on Psychology Today here.

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