How Authors Can Use Gaslighting to Write Complex Characters

I was asked if all lying is gaslighting. Let’s explore what gaslighting is and how you can use it in your writing (and maybe avoid it in real life).

Gaslighting is a powerful tool for creating dynamic, psychologically complex characters in fiction. By incorporating gaslighting behaviors, authors can craft manipulative antagonists or unreliable narrators who challenge readers’ perceptions of reality.

Gaslighting can drive conflict, deepen character development, and heighten tension, making it ideal for psychological thrillers, dramas, and contemporary fiction. Whether it’s a toxic relationship or a villain’s subtle manipulation, incorporating gaslighting behaviors allows authors to delve into the darker aspects of human behavior and create more compelling, multi-dimensional stories.

Understanding gaslighting is not only essential for writers but also crucial for anyone navigating relationships in real life. By recognizing these manipulative behaviors, individuals can protect themselves from emotional abuse, regain their sense of reality, and build healthier, more supportive connections.

What’s the Difference?

Lying and gaslighting are related but not exactly the same thing. While both involve deception, gaslighting is a specific and often more insidious form of manipulation. Here’s the difference:

• Lying: At its core, lying is simply telling false information, whether it’s a small white lie or a major fabrication. The intention behind lying can vary, but it doesn’t necessarily involve a sustained effort to distort the victim’s perception of reality.
• Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a deliberate and ongoing psychological manipulation aimed at making someone doubt their own perceptions, memories, or understanding of reality. It’s not just about telling lies, but about systematically undermining the victim’s trust in their own mind, often through subtle, covert tactics.

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How Gaslighting Messes with the Victim’s Reality

Gaslighting often unfolds over time in ways that make the victim feel confused, insecure, and increasingly unsure of their own experiences. Here’s how it works:

1. Doubting Perception: Gaslighters may tell the victim that something they remember or experienced never happened, or that their emotions are wrong. For instance, a gaslighter might deny an argument that occurred, insisting that the victim is imagining it. Over time, this makes the victim question their own perceptions.
2. Manipulating Facts: The gaslighter may distort facts or events, creating a false narrative that the victim finds hard to reconcile with their own memories. This can cause cognitive dissonance, where the victim holds conflicting beliefs—what they remember happening versus the new, false narrative being presented to them.
3. Using Emotional Validation: Gaslighters often switch between periods of kindness and manipulation, giving occasional compliments or showing affection to confuse the victim. This creates emotional dependency, as the victim starts to crave the gaslighter’s validation and approval, even if they’re being mistreated.
4. Playing the Victim: A gaslighter might accuse the victim of being too sensitive or crazy for feeling upset by their behavior. By reversing roles, they make the victim feel guilty and insecure, which further distorts their reality.

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Psychological Effects of Gaslighting on Victims

Over time, gaslighting can have serious psychological consequences for the victim. Here are some of the most common effects:

1. Loss of Self-Trust: The victim starts doubting their own memory, perception, and judgment. They might become hypervigilant about what is real and what isn’t, constantly second-guessing themselves. This can lead to a profound loss of self-confidence and an inability to trust their own thoughts and feelings.
2. Increased Anxiety and Depression: The constant confusion and feeling like “something is wrong” without being able to pinpoint what it is can cause chronic anxiety and emotional distress. Victims may experience feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, and the emotional toll can lead to depression.
3. Isolation: Gaslighters often isolate their victims from friends, family, or support networks, either by directly controlling their social interactions or by undermining relationships. The victim may be manipulated into believing that others are the ones who don’t understand, or even that they’re the problem, making them withdraw and become more dependent on the gaslighter.
4. Cognitive Dissonance: Victims are often torn between their own memories and the gaslighter’s narrative. The emotional distress of holding contradictory beliefs (knowing something is true but being told it’s not) can cause mental exhaustion and confusion. This can lead to indecisiveness, self-doubt, and even a fractured sense of identity.
5. Development of PTSD-like Symptoms: In cases of prolonged gaslighting, victims may develop symptoms similar to PTSD. These can include flashbacks, nightmares, or feelings of being “triggered” by specific words or situations that remind them of the gaslighting tactics used against them.
6. Difficulty in Relationships: After enduring gaslighting, victims often struggle to trust others in future relationships. They may fear being manipulated again, leading to withdrawal from others or becoming overly cautious in their interactions.

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Why It’s So Dangerous

Gaslighting is especially harmful because it’s insidious and often goes unnoticed for a long time. The gradual manipulation can leave victims feeling like they are losing their minds or are incapable of discerning what’s real. Since it’s emotionally and psychologically manipulative, it’s also hard for others to notice from the outside, which can leave the victim feeling very alone.

Ultimately, gaslighting distorts the victim’s reality so deeply that they become dependent on the gaslighter for truth, approval, and validation. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the victim to regain their sense of self and trust in their own perceptions.

Here are some trusted resources, both online and in print, that explore the concepts of gaslighting, its psychological effects, and how to cope with or identify such manipulative behavior.

So writers, incorporating gaslighting behaviors into your characters is a treasure trove to mess up your characters lives.

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Web Resources

1. Psychology Today:
   • Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Abusive People – and Break Free
     Psychology Today – Gaslighting
   • Psychology Today offers in-depth articles by mental health professionals explaining gaslighting, its effects, and ways to recover from it.
2. Verywell Mind:
   • What Is Gaslighting?
     Verywell Mind – Gaslighting
   • This site provides a clear, accessible breakdown of gaslighting, its signs, and the impact it has on mental health.
3. National Domestic Violence Hotline:
   • What is Gaslighting?
     The Hotline – Gaslighting
   • This site offers resources specifically for identifying emotional abuse, including gaslighting, and how to seek help.
4. Narcissistic Abuse Support:
   • Gaslighting and Narcissistic Abuse
     Narcissistic Abuse Support
   • Many survivors of narcissistic abuse deal with gaslighting tactics. This site offers support and resources for those going through it.
5. Psych Central:
   • Gaslighting: How to Recognize and Recover
     Psych Central – Gaslighting
   • Psych Central offers helpful articles and expert opinions on recognizing gaslighting and coping strategies for recovery.

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Books

1. Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free by Dr. Stephanie Moulton Sarkis
   • This book provides a thorough understanding of gaslighting, its psychological impact, and how to identify gaslighting behaviors. It includes practical tips for healing and building resilience after being gaslit.
2. The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life by Dr. Robin Stern
   • A foundational book on gaslighting, Dr. Stern explains the psychology behind this form of manipulation and offers strategies for recognizing and overcoming gaslighting in relationships.
3. Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie
   • While focused on recovering from toxic relationships, this book is helpful in understanding the broader emotional abuse cycle, including gaslighting, and how to break free from manipulative relationships.
4. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad
   • This book discusses how care taking behaviors can keep individuals stuck in toxic dynamics with narcissistic or borderline personality-disordered individuals who often employ gaslighting tactics.
5. In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by Dr. George K. Simon
   • This classic book on manipulation and covert aggression explains how manipulative people operate, including gaslighters. It’s a great resource for recognizing and counteracting manipulative behaviors.

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Additional Resources

1. YouTube Channels:
   • Dr. Ramani Durvasula (Clinical Psychologist)
     Dr. Ramani has several videos explaining narcissism, emotional abuse, and gaslighting. She provides real-life examples and explains how to handle manipulative relationships.
     Dr. Ramani’s YouTube Channel
2. TED Talks:
   • “Why We Fall for Dangerous Advice” by Julia Galef
     Julia Galef discusses the psychology of self-deception and how people can be manipulated into believing things that are not true—this is a good companion topic to gaslighting.
     TED Talk – Julia Galef
3. Therapist Support:
   • If you’re experiencing gaslighting, seeking therapy with a professional experienced in narcissistic abuse, emotional manipulation, or trauma recovery can be a vital part of healing. Websites like Therapist Finder or GoodTherapy allow you to search for a therapist specializing in emotional abuse and recovery.

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These resources should help you dive deeper into understanding gaslighting, recognizing its signs, and learning how to recover from its harmful effects.

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