Writing Characters: Borderline Personality

As I said in my post on classic narcissists and vulnerable narcissists, messy characters make for great stories. So, here’s the next in my character profile series—writing borderline personality.

Traits of Borderline Personality

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is marked by emotional instability and difficulty in relationships. People with BPD have trouble regulating their moods, experience feelings of emptiness, and have trouble with impulsivity. (Choosing Therapy)

This is a fairly large list and there is a spectrum of this behavior, so not all of these should show up in your character. Remember to start subtle and build.

• Significant efforts to avoid abandonment at all costs
• Tendency to see others as black or white (the best vs. the worst)
• Pattern of unstable relationships
• Tendency to behave in “intense” ways
• Changing habits, interests, and identity
• Long-standing feelings of emptiness
• Emotional unstable (intense, frequent, and rapidly shifting emotions)
• Hard time controlling anger
• Symptoms of dissociation
• Paranoid thoughts
• Avoidance of rejection
• Rapid changes in self-identity or self-image
• Desire for intensity and attention in social relationships
• Impulsivity that can be self-destructive (i.e. drugs, reckless driving, etc)
• Heightened suicidality
• self-harm behaviors
• Lack of self-understanding
• Lack of self-image
• Anger outbursts and intense aggression
• Depersonalization or dissociation in response to abandonment
• Feelings of worthlessness and purposelessness
• Cyclical pattern of valuing and devaluing significant relationships to the point of frustration and anger from the other person
• Note: Efforts to avoid abandonment ranging from typical (i.e., begging a partner to stay) to inappropriate (i.e., threatening suicide when a relationship ends)
  From: Psych Central, Choosing Therapy. Links below in the resources.

Your character should appear real and not be just a series of symptoms. And, haven’t we all had times of feeling these things?

Examples on Television

• Check out the show Prodigal Son for a flashy character with BPD. Malcolm Bright is brilliant and very open about his condition.
• Another example of a well-written character fitting BPD symptoms is Louis Litt from Suits. He’s emotional, has bursts of anger, pushes people away, is deathly afraid of rejection, and so on. Despite wanting to hate Louis, you grow to love him and want to protect him (but it takes a while).

Phases in the Relationship

According to Romeo’s Bleeding by Roger Melton, M.A., there are three distinct phases of being in a relationship with someone who is afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder:

1. Vulnerable seducer stage
2. The clinger phase
3. The hater phase

Read more here (Borderline Personality Treatment)

A alternate cycle (and an outline of events for you) is:

1. Things move quickly
2. The BPD partner becomes more sensitive
3. BPD partner manipulates for affection
4. BPD partner becomes insistent
5. Non-BPD partner leaves
6. Severe mood swings

More on that here from Choosing Therapy

For a list of manipulation techniques, see my previous posts on narcissism.

The Receiving Partner

To be in a relationship with someone who has BPD, they have to be good with boundaries. BPD peeps will naturally push them.

If the recipient character is balanced, they should do these things:

• Stay calm and patient
• Validate emotions
• Be understanding and empathetic
• Be consistent and reliable
• Non-judgemental
• Create clear boundaries and practice self-care
• There must be consequences for crossing boundaries
• Encourage growth and treatment
• Be slow—fast equals triggering their partner’s BPD
• Explain the context behind how they feel
• Know that people with a disorder don’t get a pass for bad behavior
• If boundaries are not respected or the relationship becomes abusive, they should seek help and get out
• More here BPD Beautiful

Why We End Up in Toxic Relationships

Here is the something on the psychological reason we (and your characters) end up in a toxic relationship and ignore the red flags.

See more

Cluster B Personality Disorders

Here’s a chart with the other personality disorders in this cluster.

More Resources

Tips for Dating Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (Psych Central)

Signs You Might Be Dating Someone with BPD

12 Things to Know About Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder (Choosing Therapy)

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This post is not intended to give any medical advice. If you think you are in a abusive relationship, please reach out for professional help. More information on Psychology Today here.